Posts Tagged 'respect'

Maybe This Time: Facebook Invitations

All things considered, Facebook is a wonderful innovation. Like it or loathe it, it will certainly be around for quite some time yet. It has set itself up as a social hub: we can see photos of ourselves and our friends, we can email our friends, we can play games with them, we can instant-message them, we can send them gifts (although if any friend of mine ever sent an electronic gift – or e-card, for that matter – I’d strike them out of my address book), and we can organise events through Facebook. It’s this last one that can easily rile me.

For the benefit of non-Facebook users, let me quickly explain what exactly happens. Any user can invite friends to an event; on the event page they can list the time, place, date, and any other instructions for guests. Invited guests will see the invitation to said event when they log into their Facebook profile. Guests are then given three options as to how they wish to reply: Attending, Not Attending, or Maybe Attending. It is this last one that drives me mad.

I used to send out nice stiff white card invitations to my guests for my parties, but due to the cost of doing them for every party and the fact that a majority of modern guests wouldn’t know what on earth to do with such an invitation, I decided to concede and use Facebook to invite people to my events. To be fair, it works a treat. But when I have guests that respond that they ‘maybe attending’ I hit the roof. In my opinion, you are either attending or you are not. Called me old fashioned but when I am invited to an event I get out my diary, see if I am doing anything already on that date and if I am not, then I respond saying I can do; if I am busy, I respond saying I unfortunately cannot. This conditional clause of ‘maybe’ seems to be designed for the socially far-too-busy. Some of my guests (who have subsequently been struck off my party guest-list) put ‘maybe’ because they are clearly thinking ‘well, I shall go if I don’t have anything else better to do that night’, which is just rude.

People should make the effort, and decide whether they are going or not instead of floundering around in this new middle ground. If a host were going to the effort of putting on a party (probably with food and drink) for guests then said host would quite like to know for how many people they are catering.

You can see this clearly winds me up, and I do wish Facebook would remove the function. It is intrinsically bad mannered.

I am off for a lie down now.

William Hanson
Tutor, The English Manner

Ya Boo Sucks: Please Don’t Boo JEdward!

John and Edward perform on 'The X Factor'

I do not like The X Factor, but during the series that has just passed I found reason to watch it (or at least some of it). Their names: John and Edward (‘JEdward’). The young Irish brothers were not the best of singers, but they were performers. They danced their socks off (sometimes not in time to the music or each other) but it was clear to see that they were having great fun doing what they clearly enjoyed. However, every time they came on stage during the live shows the studio audience would boo and hiss as if Hitler had risen from the dead just to come on to perform ‘I Did It My Way’.

John and Edward coped magnificently during their ritual humiliation each week. They did not once acknowledge the blood-hungry mob of an audience; they just smiled, soldiered on and did what they liked doing best. Even now (they are currently promoting their debut single ‘Under Pressure’) some people have the audacity to boo them. But why do people feel the need to boo?

There are always going to be people in life that we do not like, wish to associate with, or want to support. Yet this does not give us carte blanche right to berate them. If we do not wish to encourage or acknowledge someone, then we just do not clap (or clap less). There is no need to boo, hiss and shout insults. In doing this it does not make the booer more superior than the person they are booing. If anything, it makes the booed look vastly better and more righteous.

It must be something about the mentality of a crowd. Humans obviously feel that when en masse we can get away with doing things we would never dream of if we were on our own. Look at the proposed video the UK’s Football Association (FA) were going to launch this week to combat homophobia at matches. The video uses the shock tactics of showing a businessman walking around his office shouting pejorative words at his homosexual colleagues. The caption reads ‘this sort of behaviour is not acceptable here…’ The action then switches to the same man in a crowd at the football match shouting similar words to players on the opposition and the referee. The caption changes to: ‘so why should it be acceptable here?’

Presumably this mentality can be linked to the JEdward/X Factor situation. If we saw the pop stars walking down the street, we would not boo them as we passed, but if there are 400 other faces around us, we obviously feel like we won’t get caught. Not only is this the height of cowardice, but also is it rude. If we do not agree with someone’s view, believes, lifestyle or performance, then we should just be quiet and learn to deal with it. No one is asking anyone to convert to being a JEdward fan (for the record, I am) or switch their opinion on a certain matter, but just to respect other people’s rights. There’s something just not cricket about it all, if you ask me.

William Hanson
Tutor, The English Manner

Compliments: Harder Than They May Seem

The British are notoriously bad at accepting compliments the correct way. Whilst it can be seen as an endearing quality, we Brits often use self-deprecation when it comes to receiving compliments. When someone admires our work we’ll say, “Oh well, it was nothing, no trouble at all” or perhaps expresses a like of our clothes, “This old thing? No, I worn this many times before”. But correct form says that when on the receiving end of a compliment, we should just accept it with a gracious, ‘thank you’ and move on. There’s no need to waffle on and argue with the complimenter: that wastes time. Just say thank you and make a note to return the compliment to them in the near future: complimenting them back straight after looks silly.

Then there’s the art of men complimenting women. More often than not, men will sound like a bit of a leach when doing this. The important thing to remember is maintain eye-contact with the woman when giving the compliment. Don’t go for the obvious compliments, such as ‘Nice shoes’ or ‘Nice colour’, show your softer side with, ‘that’s a nice neckline on the dress’.

But there’s also etiquette when it comes to replying to compliments, don’t ever say ‘Well, thank you, yes I love this top too, it’s good, isn’t it?’. We should never actually brag following a compliment, even though we may wish to inside.

William Hanson
Tutor, The English Manner

Respecting Age

Susan Osman, associate of The English Manner. Picture: SWNS.

Susan Osman, associate of The English Manner. Picture: SWNS.

Associate of The English Manner, Susan Osman, made the news last week (click here for full article) for commenting on how the Chinese revere age and experience when it comes to the professional world. Susan has been offered a high-profile job with China Radio International’s English service. Having previously worked for, amongst other organisations, the BBC, Susan felt that youth was not seen as vital in Chinese broadcasting, unlike in Britain.

This made me think that sometimes we as a nation are too quick to judge someone over their age. Does it really matter what age someone is when it comes to doing a job? Granted that there are some jobs that do require a certain youthfulness, and for each of those, there will be a similar number of jobs really only suited for older people.

I have encountered people mis-judging me due to my age. I was in a taxi yesterday and the driver asked me how old I was. I replied (20) and he looked very confused. Admittedly, I do look quite young (although older than 20) but sound like a 55-year-old. But I often get asked how I can be an etiquette consultant at my age. To be fair, it’s a valid question. The stereotype of etiquette experts is that of a woman in her early sixties with half-moon glasses and a brooch. I’ve had some fairly harsh comments in the past; although I have a thick skin so can rise about these easily.

There is no pre-requisite that to be an etiquette tutor one has to be over fifty. It is perhaps true that someone of more advanced years will have experienced life more, but as for knowing the rules, nuances and protocols, anyone with enough determination, vigour and vim can pick these up fairly straightforwardly. And being young also gives one the advantage of being able to talk coherently about other aspects of life that older colleagues may not be able to cover.

So which can see that ageism can work both ways. We should not judge someone just based on how old they are. This is wrong. What matters is one’s understanding, determination and ability.

William Hanson
Tutor, The English Manner


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